Rituals help deal with loss

A number of years ago in the early morning I was walking on the beach and stopped to rest on a bench at the end of a short street leading to the beach. As I sat there drinking in the fresh sea air, an older man arrived in a pickup. He got out, approached the bench and asked me if he could sit down. I responded with a welcoming gesture.

After three or four minutes of sitting in silence he got up to leave with the words, “My wife died about a year ago and this was her favourite spot, so every morning about this time I come down to say good morning to her.”

He climbed into his pickup and left.

I was impressed with the wisdom of this man: he had created a simple ritual to help him deal with a deep loss and had made it a daily practice.

I was reminded of this man and his ritual as the anniversary of my son Richard’s death approached and passed last month. Richard was my first biological son.

With 18 aunts and uncles and their spouses, and 51 first cousins, the inevitable losses have taught me a few things. I have come to learn that grieving rituals are not restricted to the time after the passing, but can be extremely healing even before the actual death, if we know it’s coming.

Richard had a fatal liver disease including cancer. We spent many hours of quality time together in the days before his passing. We openly discussed our lives, his impending death, meaning, legacy and his thoughts about life after he is gone. We discussed happy things and sad things.

We were well past the denial phase, but the tone of our discussions was still hopeful. By the time of his passing, we both had a sense of peace.

More grieving and more rituals followed, but what we did before Richard died was a good part of the grief work.

At the time, I didn’t think of our discussions as a ritual, but then I recalled having had parallel discussions with other family members as they were dying. For me, the intimate discussions about life and death have become an important ritual before an impending death.

If we live long enough, we all have to face loss. I invite you not only to take advantage of the standard rituals—the memorial service, burial, wake—but also to develop your own rituals. Just as the ritual of visiting his late wife’s favourite spot helped the man come to terms with her absence, rituals can help you through your losses.

Dr. Neill is a Central-Island Registered Psychologist. You can reach him at 250-752-8684 or through his website www.neillneill.com/contact.

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