Dumpster diver discovers new plan for Alberni garbage

To the editor,

A new garbage plan has been revealed.

A proposal for automated monster garbage trucks has been dumped in favour of a new plan to start in May.

All current garbage trucks will be retrofitted with sirens and flashing lights. All households will have spring-loaded garbage can holders installed at street level. One right-handed and one left-handed employee will be assigned to each truck. Appropriate right or left hand back braces must be worn.

One ambidextrous employee will qualify for a higher pay scale as a dumper/driver. A work incentive (finish route/go home early) clause will apply.

The yearly garbage tax assessment will revert to $60.

The plan in operation:

The garbage truck travels up the middle of the street, siren wailing, lights flashing. Lefty and righty(sic) remotely trip releases on the spring loaded garbage can holders. Lids fly, garbage cans pop into the air to be caught and dumped all in one motion. Concurrently, along both sides of the street, the show goes on.

Lefty and righty are motivated because of the work incentive plan. Down alleys, “ambidextrous”, wearing an all-around back brace, runs from side to side. Imagine the show!

Instead of copying 15 other cities, we lead. Pickup efficiency is maximized. Back alley pickup will continue. Large (120-litre) garbage cans will be accepted. Big buck$ are saved by junking the monster truck recommendation.

Good paying jobs are preserved, employee injuries are minimized, and council’s political skins have been saved.

The fix is in. Operation “Garbage Quick Pick” begins in May.

T. Lyman Jardin,

Port Alberni

(Editor’s note: April Fools!)

Just Posted

Jim’s Clothes Closet celebrates 50th anniversary

Store began in Port Alberni, expanded on Vancouver Island and beyond

BCHL: Alberni Valley Bulldogs victorious at home

Goaltender John Hawthorne earns second shutout

Port Alberni receives Smart Communities grant for new online platform

Online database will link local volunteers with non-profit and charity groups

Vancouver Island brewery re-brands again after cryptic new logo failed

Victoria-based brewers said goodbye to confusing hexagon logo

VIDEO: Marvel Comics’ Stan Lee dies

Marvel co-creator was well-known for making cameo appearances in superhero movies

Vancouver Island remembers

Important stories shared as Islanders salute those who made the greatest sacrifice

Who was Chris Bloomfield, the Mill Bay man shot by police?

A troubled man with a voracious appetite for illicit drugs and a non-conventional lifestyle

Calgarians head to the polls to declare ‘yea’ or ‘nay’ on Winter Games

The question “are you for or are you against hosting the 2026 Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games?” was to be posed to them Tuesday in a plebiscite to help determine whether the city should move ahead with a bid.

Heir’s big birthday: 70 candles lined up for Prince Charles

Prince Charles turns 70 Wednesday, Nov. 14, 2018, still serving in the heir to the throne role he has filled since he was a young child.

Trudeau lays down challenge to companies in bid to boost trade with Asia

“Building the relationships, building the connections, building the facility and also changing mindsets — getting Canadian companies to see the opportunities we have around the world to partner and invest.”

CNN sues Trump, demanding return of Acosta to White House

CNN is asking for an immediate restraining order to return Acosta to the White House.

Amazon to split second HQ between New York, Virginia

Official decision expected later Tuesday to end competition between North American cities to win bid and its promise of 50,000 jobs

US trial to tell epic tale of Mexican drug lord “El Chapo”

Guzman’s long-awaited U.S. trial begins Tuesday in New York

Most Read