Dumpster diver discovers new plan for Alberni garbage

To the editor,

A new garbage plan has been revealed.

A proposal for automated monster garbage trucks has been dumped in favour of a new plan to start in May.

All current garbage trucks will be retrofitted with sirens and flashing lights. All households will have spring-loaded garbage can holders installed at street level. One right-handed and one left-handed employee will be assigned to each truck. Appropriate right or left hand back braces must be worn.

One ambidextrous employee will qualify for a higher pay scale as a dumper/driver. A work incentive (finish route/go home early) clause will apply.

The yearly garbage tax assessment will revert to $60.

The plan in operation:

The garbage truck travels up the middle of the street, siren wailing, lights flashing. Lefty and righty(sic) remotely trip releases on the spring loaded garbage can holders. Lids fly, garbage cans pop into the air to be caught and dumped all in one motion. Concurrently, along both sides of the street, the show goes on.

Lefty and righty are motivated because of the work incentive plan. Down alleys, “ambidextrous”, wearing an all-around back brace, runs from side to side. Imagine the show!

Instead of copying 15 other cities, we lead. Pickup efficiency is maximized. Back alley pickup will continue. Large (120-litre) garbage cans will be accepted. Big buck$ are saved by junking the monster truck recommendation.

Good paying jobs are preserved, employee injuries are minimized, and council’s political skins have been saved.

The fix is in. Operation “Garbage Quick Pick” begins in May.

T. Lyman Jardin,

Port Alberni

(Editor’s note: April Fools!)